


Sex is funner when you're being watched - liam payne & zayn malik ft. arnie the lizard

by twentyone



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Arnie, M/M, Weed, lizard tale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-24
Updated: 2013-12-24
Packaged: 2018-01-05 21:14:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1098656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twentyone/pseuds/twentyone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis convinces Zayn to get a bearded dragon. Louis regrets it, Liam is unnerved, Zayn falls in love, and Arnie has the time of his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sex is funner when you're being watched - liam payne & zayn malik ft. arnie the lizard

It’s the night of their SNL performance, or rather, the events following it, when the adventure begins. As usual, Paul has reluctantly given all of them the green light to go out and get smashed, as long as they go with a guard and avoid all the places with crowds their age. It’s all protocol, and they stopped minding it a long time ago. Zayn remembers being newly eighteen and taking every opportunity to go out and stay out, drinking as much as his body could absorb and in multiple cases throwing most of it up on a sidewalk somewhere in the world. Not having to worry about being caught for underage activity was so exciting, so wonderful, Zayn felt like such an adult when he flipped his ID to the barman while ordering some thirty-dollar cocktail at a high-end bar with flashing neon lights in Tokyo, or going out for a pint or seven with Niall in Ireland. He admittedly didn’t feel quite as adult when he was heaving bent over a toilet bowl with Liam holding his hair back as he retched hollowly (although any memory of Liam makes him smile). 

That was more than two years ago, and the excitement has worn off. Zayn doesn’t push his limits much anymore, doesn’t spend every free night in his cups, preferring to stay in the quiet of the bus or on the roof of their hotel, smoking and sitting and enjoying the rare silence. Which is what he plans to do tonight. 

The 5 of them split off to go about their separate buisnesses once the show is over and they’re all settled at the hotel. Harry showers quickly before going for drinks with Will and the other Anchorman guys in the hotel bar, and Niall drags Liam out to an Irish pub that he spotted earlier. From across the room Louis gives Zayn their customary eyebrow raise, secret code for ‘let’s get fucking high.’ Zayn nods at Louis, a half-smile tugging at the corner of his mouth because Louis is so often on his wavelength. 

He grabs Liam’s wrist before he can leave and pulls him into the bathroom, locking the door on Harry and Niall’s catcalls. 

“Have fun, be safe,” he mutters against Liam’s mouth as they kiss slowly, no longer making an effort to be quiet, no longer having to sneak behind the backs of the other boys like they had tried to in the beginning (hadn’t lasted for long). He feels Liam smile against him. 

“Of course, babe. You staying in?”

“Yeah, gonna blaze with Louis on the roof,” Zayn says, edging one of his legs between Liam’s and grinding gently. Liam groans and there’s a soft thud as a pillow hits the door. 

“Fuckin hurry up, Liam!” Niall whines, and they both chuckle. “You and Zayn have four minutes to get each other off before we’re in danger of missing happy hour!” 

“Guess that’s my cue,” Liam sighs, half-heartedly trying to disentangle himself from Zayn. 

“I’ll be waiting for you,” Zayn whispers as he leans in to suck a quick mark behind Liam’s ear, giving it a wet lick once he’s finished. “So don’t stay out all night.”

“Better conserve your energy, then,” Liam winks at him in what is probably meant to be a seductive manner, but that ends up being pure cheek. 

“I’ll do my best,” Zayn says as he unlocks the door, receiving a quick pinch on his left ass cheek as Liam edges out behind him. 

“Well, that was fast,” Niall says, looking impressed. He grabs Liam’s hand and the two of them grab their coats and bid Louis and Zayn good night. The door slams shut behind them, and Zayn turns to Louis with a wide grin. 

“Ready?” 

“So utterly and completely and entirely ready,” Louis replies, identical grin stretched across his face. “Shall we go to our lovely balcony?” He gestures behind him to the small flat balcony that connects Zayn and Liam’s room to Niall and Louis’s. But Zayn has other plans. 

“Nah, I have a better idea. Hang on, lemme get my stuff –“ He bends over his suitcase and rummages around before pulling out his second toiletry bag, the one with three small Ziplocs, papers, index cards, and the small pipe that Louis got him for his birthday last year. It’s transparent blue and green swirl pattern has been blackened to a dull dirty shine. “Ghost, Golden Goat, or Kush?” Zayn offers the three bags to Louis, who opens each one and sniffs.

“Goat,” he tells Zayn, keeping the bag with the prickly orange-and-green bud and handing him the other two. 

“Good choice,” Zayn says as he zips them back up and places them carefully in his toiletry bag. He takes out his pipe and closes the bag, tucking it strategically underneath one of Liam’s sweaters, away from prying eyes. “Let’s go.” 

Zayn leads the way to the roof by way of an unobtrusive back stairwell. As he kicks open the door, the New York skyline rises up to greet them. Even though it’s a familiar sight, it takes Zayn’s breath away every time. There’s a couple of sofas clustered around an empty fire pit at the center of the roof, and a few big chairs thrown randomly here and there. It’s deserted (thanks to Paul). They sink down on one of the couches around the firepit. Louis packs the first bowl while Zayn admires the skyline some more before wiggling further down into the couch and making himself comfortable. Louis offers him the pipe but Zayn waves him away, saying “You can have firsts.” Louis hums in appreciation around the pipe as he flicks his purple lighter to the edge of the bowl and presses the flame down into the flakes of weed he’s pressed into the bowl. He inhales deeply and Zayn can barely see the smoke whistle down the length of the pipe. Louis holds the smoke in and passes the burning pipe to Zayn, who inhales quickly, thick smoke curling in his lungs as he fights to hold it in. 

They exhale simultaneously and watch the grey tendrils of smoke dissipate into the cold New York winter. They pass the pipe back and forth until there’s only a few black sooty grains left, and Zayn packs a second bowl. He can feel his limbs disconnecting from his body, as if all the energy is slowly moving upwards into his brain. As he lets a trickle of smoke out the edge of his mouth, Zayn wonders how it would feel to float above New York City and observe if from the sky. Drift past windows of people’s homes, past shops with Christmas lights, past art galleries and porn studios and grocery stores. 

“I wouldn’t mind the porn studio,” Louis says from somewhere to his left, and Zayn realizes that he’s been talking out loud for the past few minutes. “Or a fucking…animal store. Like,” he clicks his fingers, as if trying to summon the word he’s looking for out of the chilly air. 

“Pet shop?” Zayn supplies lazily, his words punctuated with two pillowy clouds of smoke. 

“Yes! That’s the one, nasty little bugger. A pet shop.” Louis sighs in contentment and snuggles up against Zayn, who passes him the pipe and prods the dying embers with the edge of his lighter. Louis manages one last hit before the dark orange coals burn out. He clambers up into Zayn’s lap and leans in, prying Zayn’s lips apart. Zayn shifts a bit, and Louis presses the rim of his mouth against Zayn’s as he exhales. Zayn inhales automatically, the heavy smoke made warm and comfortable by Louis’ mouth as he draws it into his lungs, a tiny cough choking out of him. Louis reaches one hand around to pat Zayn’s back, while the other cradles his cheek. They kiss deeply, all tongue and wet lips, Louis tracing a pattern on Zayn’s neck with the blunt tips of his fingers. It feels so good, everything they do feels better when they’re high, his nerve endings magnified ten times, the slipping of Louis’ mouth against his pure paradise. Zayn thinks part of the reason why it feels so good is because Louis is the only one who shares Zayn’s love of weed, the only one with whom Zayn can float into a separate universe with and not get lost, not be able to find his way back. And because they know that this is harmless and doesn’t mean anything and won’t affect their friendship. 

Unlike with Liam. Zayn had been so terrified of wrecking his and Liam’s friendship when he realized he was in love with him, and the possibility that Liam might feel the same way hadn’t occurred to him. Obviously they had found out about the mutual feelings they shared and taken it slowly from there. Or, well, they had definitely tried…but after feeling Liam inside him the first time, Zayn found it impossible to take things very slowly. 

Zayn kisses Louis differently than he kisses Liam, strangely synchronized high-as-fuck kisses that start and end in a place no one else has been to except them. Louis gets tired after a few minutes and collapses into Zayn’s lap, scooching down the length of the couch so that his head is resting on Zayn’s thigh. Zayn packs a fourth? fifth? bowl with the remainder of the Golden Goat, crumbling the little buds beneath his fingertips as daintily as he can. They smoke it quickly, and Zayn taps the remaining black residue into the firepit before laying down beside Louis. It’s a clear night, but only a few stars are visible in the inky sky, most of them outshone by the pulsating lights of the city that surrounds them. Zayn slides a hand up the front of Louis’s shirt, feeling his warm skin thrumming from the weed. 

“Zayn,” Louis murmurs breathily, and Zayn expects him to ask for a blowjob with the way he says it, but Louis blinks at him and says, “Mate, you know how we were talking about the pet shop?”

“…yeah?”

“Well, I was thinking, like, you should…you should, like, get a pet. You know, something small, that we can take on the road. Not a cat or a dog or anything with fucking fur, but, like, maybe…” his voice trails off as he stares glassily at the sky. Zayn’s already racing mind picks up the pace as he imagines himself walking into a pet shop and purchasing a hamster, or a fish, or a-

“Lizard.” 

“What?”

“I’ll get a lizard. Lizards are cool, right?”

“Right,” Louis says, excitement growing in his voice as he sits up. “Lizards are sick! They have tails with spikes, shit, yeah!” He’s practically yelling, and normally Zayn might tell him to can it but he’s so hyped up on the idea of getting a lizard that it doesn’t matter. 

“Should we get it right now? I don’t want this to be just an idea, mate, I want to get a fucking lizard right now.” Zayn states, sitting up on the couch and pulling Louis up with him. “D’ya reckon there are any pet stores near by?”

“There’s got to be. Or we can just ask someone, I dunno,” Louis blabbers as they hurriedly walk to the roof door and press the elevator button. One second they’re forty-something stories above Manhattan, and the next thing Zayn knows he’s standing outside the hotel lobby with a pair of sunglasses on his face. He turns to Louis suddenly. 

“Louis, wait here, man. If Liam comes back and I’m not here he’ll freak out. Wait here while I go get the lizard, kay?” 

“No, Zayn, wait, you can’t go off alone,” Louis tries to protest, but Zayn pushes the sunglasses further up his nose and hails a cab. He can’t run off without telling Liam and his phone’s all the way up in his room, and he can’t be bothered to get it now, not when there’s a lizard out there waiting for him. Zayn gets into the cab and waves goodbye to a stricken Louis. 

“Where to?” The driver barks gruffly, and Zayn scratches his chin thoughtfully.

“Wherever the closest pet shop is.”

“Sure thing,” he says brusquely, and four blocks later Zayn finds himself outside a PetCo. He pays the driver a measley five dollars and strides through the sliding glass doors, blinded by the bright blue light coming from the aquariums against the wall. It’s almost completely empty. A woman approaches him hesitantly.

“Can I help you?” she asks timidly, and he wonders what he must look like, wearing sunglasses in the dead of night in a PetCo. 

“Yes, ma’m, I’d like to buy a lizard. A real good one with spikes on its tail.” 

She eyes him strangely for a moment before leading him to the back wall of the store, where a variety of cages are set up, each with one or more lizards wallowing in the disgustingly yellow light of their artificial lamps. 

The girl goes on and on about the different types of lizards but, try as he might, Zayn cannot keep up. It isn’t until she says “……and this here is a bearded dragon, they make very good pets and can grow up to two feet long,” and Zayn’s head snaps up to look at it. She’s pointing at a lizard that has a round belly and a long tail that indeed does have spikes. Zayn pictures himself sitting on it, on a giant bearded dragon twenty feet long, parading down the streets of New York, and he suddenly has to have it. 

It’s probably not the most rational decision he’s ever made, but then again, Louis isn’t the most rational person in the world and lizards probably aren’t the most rational creatures, but fuck it, the bearded dragon makes Zayn’s heart swell inexplicably and a few minutes later he finds himself handing over his credit card to the cashier. He walks out of the pet store with a small crate and a bag of food for his new pet. Even though it’s a short walk, Zayn hails a cab back to the hotel. He stares at the bearded dragon in its little cage, and it stares back. 

“Arnie,” he whispers, and Arnie seems to smile at him in the darkness. 

“What was that?” the driver asks in a thick Indian accent. 

“Nothing,” Zayn replies dreamily, shoving a handful of change into his hand as he gets out of the cab. 

He takes the elevator up to his room, staring at Arnie all the while and making faces at him. He almost drops Arnie as he fumbles around in his pocket for the room key, but someone opens the door before he can find it. 

It’s Liam, and Niall’s behind him, and Louis is sitting with his head in his hands on the bed, and the expressions on their faces are priceless.

**Author's Note:**

> more chapters will come! one from liam's pov, one from louis's, and of course, one from arnie's! god arnie is the fucking bomb.


End file.
